It’s late, but i find myself awake at this time every night now. I’m not shocked when my head finally hits my pillow at 2am, and, honestly, it messes with your mind. I cant remember the last time I shut my eyes and drifted off into immediate sleep, but it must’ve been before uni, and it was habit. I never had problem sleeping, and i’d wonder how people could find it an issue when I found it so easy. I envy my past self’s skill. I wouldn’t say I had insomnia, as i do end up getting to sleep, but now it takes time. I’d love to leave it down to my inability to get off my laptop and phone before I finally lay down to bed, but I don’t think it’s as easy as that. I, like so many people, am a worrier and an over thinker, and my mind is like a circus the second I shut my eyes. Thought after thought come tumbling down and I find myself concentrate on each with such intensity that it’s impossible for my brain to turn off. Sure, I’ve got more work now, I’m an unnecessarily paranoid girlfriend after past ‘trauma’, I miss my family and friends – the buzz of busy London even at the small hours is a constant reminder. But perhaps its the combination of these seemingly small things that makes it impossible to drift off, that leave me tossing and turning in my scrappy single bed. It’s strange how it’s impossible to organise even one thought during the day; yet, at night, when sleep is begging, you’re able to juggle seventeen at once. I don’t know. It’s already 12.40am now, but i know my chances of drifting off any time soon are slim.
I think the worse thing is how unable to function I am in the mornings; the tiredness takes me so easily when there’s no time to drift away on my subconscious tide, and it’s like a punishment. Sleep really does effect the way you live, and I struggle to even do that. Sigh. A girl can try! Wish me luck.